Last night I put myself through 45 minutes of circuit training, followed by 60 minutes of kick boxing fitness training (it was a killer session). I really wanted to shout at the instructor (who just so happens to be my eldest daughter), “RIGHT, lady – I’ve just about had enough of this! I am 61 you know – don’t you think you are being ridiculously unreasonable in your demands?”, and slop miserably off to the sidelines. In my fantasy world, that’s exactly what I did do; in the real world I gritted my teeth and kept going. And although I can still feel every inch of it in so many muscles, I can also feel the under-lying benefit. I know for sure that I will force myself through several more sessions this coming week, too… and the week after that, etc etc.
Late this morning I sat in front of my laptop, and couldn’t think of a single thing to write about. NCIS was on the TV, in the background, and I suddenly remembered that I wanted to check out my American cousin’s Ebay site, to see how it is doing, and whether or not it is worth giving it another go myself (I decided that it isn’t). I considered going into the kitchen to get something else to eat, and wondered if I needed another cup of tea or not… and all the while, an insistent, uneasy guilt was nagging away at me: “you’re supposed to be writing today, and developing other aspects of your business – remember?”. I did remember, but procrastinating was a whole lot easier than making myself actually put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard). Obviously, I did eventually start… by writing about my own resistance, and the desire to avoid effort at all costs!
What is it with us human beings, that we consistently enter into battle with ourselves before setting the things that we say we want to achieve in motion? Or that we prevent ourselves from even genuinely trying? I know a very smart 25 year old who has lately been ranting about people who have an excuse for everything… the ‘yes buts’, as I call them. She has had a bit of an overdose of this recently, from different sides, including an old, once dear friend who has willingly allowed her life to become a horrible mess, without a single intention to aspire to anything better… whilst forcefully telling others what they should be doing with their own lives! My feeling is that she has let things slide for so long, through laziness and a desire to do nothing more than party, that she wouldn’t even know where to begin to create a healthy and productive life. She appears to have become utterly seduced by that miserable twilight world of apathy and inertia… the same one that most of us have to consciously fight against, every single day! If we don’t fight it, it will steal our potential, our hopes and our dreams away from us… and the older we get, the more vigilant we need to be, not less: starting good habits young, and maintaining them, is an incredibly inspirational idea!
We are all self-conscious, and we all doubt ourselves, to one degree or another. I resisted becoming involved with fitness and kick boxing for a long period of time, because I felt fat and unfit, dissatisfied with how I had allowed myself to become, and therefore with the way I looked. That was clearly silly; I still have weight to lose, but I am so much fitter and stronger, and in terms of fitness, I am aware that I am doing a lot better than many of the students who are half my age! I feared making YouTube videos, in case I became a target for haters… but eventually I did make some, and no-one has hated me because I am not interesting enough to the majority! I feared writing books, believing that I wasn’t good enough, and that I would be laughed out of town as a wanna-be. I am aware that my first ‘novella’ requires re-editing, for sure, which is on my to-do list, even though it is still publicly available… but it was my first self-published offering, and I am proud of that. Up to now, the sky hasn’t fallen in, and some people have even said that they love my stories – and to me, that is worth a million pounds! There was a time when those stories were just an idea, a thought, in my mind; they now physically exist, in the concrete world. What do you have within you, that can become ‘real’, something that will really matter to you, or that others will appreciate and benefit from? Are you really willing to reach your death bed, to be taking your very last breath, only to remember a lifetime of hopes and dreams that ended up being sacrificed at the alter of apathy, inertia and fear? Hell no!