On the 6th February, I wrote the following post, on my Facebook business page:
This week I have attracted two separate confrontational incidents into my life. The first time it happened, I wrote it off as just a random incident. The second time it happened (which was the following day!), I had to ask myself what was going on with ME, rather than what was going on with other people! I am not proud of how I reacted either, second time round, swearing like a trooper at a ‘man in a van’, who sneered, “what’s the matter love? Going through the menopause?” whilst his friend sniggered. I called him a f*****g pig (amongst other things, and now you can see why I’m not proud of myself). I had a troubled night, digging deep into my psyche, looking for the raw spot… and I found a couple of them. I really wasn’t bothered about the menopause insult, but I think I might have actually attracted it, because I have been thinking a lot about life at the age of 61 and onward, recently, and the different qualities it brings. I am not unhappy about ageing, but I have become aware of how invisible we can become (or maybe just feel), when we are no longer in the flush of youth. And I am aware that, realistically speaking, there aren’t a huge number of years left, to achieve the things I want to… and that maybe I am not putting in enough consistent effort! And I think that this has maybe been creating unconscious frustration – leading me to cross paths with pig man! Time to do some internal clearing and healing, and some accepting…
On the 7th February, I followed up with the post below:
The Creative Force Of Life is always listening! Further to my previous post (Don’t annoy the crazy person), I woke up early this morning, made a cup of tea and took it back to bed. I put my headphones on and logged onto YouTube, looking for something encouraging to start the day with – but I didn’t need to trawl. The first thing that came up was one of Impact Theory’s interviews (which I had not seen before), entitled: ‘Why everyone has midlife wrong’, with 58 year old Chip Conly (whom I had never heard of before): thank you – the message, and the guidance, was definitely not lost on me! (PS – I am aware that most people simply skip anything on FB that appears to be either a sales or educational video, but I know that a small number of people will probably check this out… and to those, even if you are still only in your 30’s, you are likely to find a few ‘aha’ moments in this!).
(The YouTube video link is at the bottom of this blog).
Now, as I write this today, I am aware that I have been procrastinating, for various reasons, about doing exactly what needs to be done, in order to create the required progression connected to my career plans – which also happen to tie in with the lifestyle I wish to develop. And so, you can see why, on Monday morning of the 4th of Feb, I was explaining to my partner as we were driving out to do the food shopping, that I was feeling ‘stuck’ (very busy, yes, but still stuck), with a desire to break through something, somehow. A couple of hours later we had unwittingly walked into a silly confrontation with three individuals who were consistently and persistently blocking every aisle we needed to visit. Detours didn’t work, politeness eventually wore thin, and so I pushed my way past them – attracting a barrage of abuse, which wasn’t too difficult to shrug off as unpleasant but not worth ruminating on.
However, the following evening, I was on my own when I got caught up with van-man… very unwisely reacting, rather than responding – or better still, ignoring – (yep, my bag). The interesting thing though is that the drama came about because I found myself trapped between a parked up ambulance ahead of me, obviously tending to a patient, and van-man behind me, who apparently wanted to be where I was, and who maybe expected me to evaporate, to save him the bother of reversing, so that I could get past and leave room for him to pull into (which he eventually did, but with absolute resentment, hence the ruckus). I was shocked, when it clicked with me that both unexpected bouts of aggravation involved me being stuck… trapped… unable to move forwards! And, that one of them also featured my age/time-of-life issue, too! How’s that for a double whammy?
I immediately understood that there was something I needed to take from both incidents, and also to be careful of what I put out there, energetically speaking! I am a huge believer in self-analysis, and acceptance of personal responsibility (I have witnessed the destruction that tends to come about when lack of self-awareness and blame is involved, too many times over the years), and I couldn’t let all of this this pass without dragging myself back to the drawing board to define exactly what needed to happen next. I still think that van-man is an effing pig, not to mention the other four letter word descriptions I decorated the air with… but I shouldn’t have aligned myself with his bad ju-ju (as my eldest daughter calls it) in the first place! After all, the only person I can shape, form and change, the only person I have a duty to answer to in this life is… you guessed it… myself!