Are we ever too old for ‘toys’ in the bedroom… and are they an insult to our partner?

I once had a conversation with two friends about sex toys, and dressing up for the bedroom. One was up for anything and everything, seeing it all as ‘wonderful, darling’, whilst the other saw it as an insult to a lover/partner – an accusation that they aren’t sexy enough, in their own right.

These two were not a couple, luckily. She (wonderful, darling), was, by her own admission, in her sixties, a little overweight, big hips and nose, and blind as a bat without glasses… and men absolutely adored her! She oozed warmth and sensuality, and her face was always so… alive… with eyes that sparkled, and a smile that was wide and mischievous. I am pretty sure that she was having more than her fair share of hanky-panky. He was serious and brooding, an emotionally battered soul who took everything personally, and survived life, rather than living it (he once told me that money can’t buy happiness, and I teasingly responded with: “and how would you know? You’ve never had two halfpennies to rub together!”). I am pretty sure that he was having very little, if any, hanky-panky, though I could be wrong.

This conversation fascinated me, or at least the two completely opposing views did; I have to admit, it had never occurred to me that by bringing sexy paraphenalia into the bedroom (or any other location), I may be suggesting that plain, untitivated sex is boring… and that possibly, maybe, sometimes, it is.

I am no expert on the subject, but I imagine that, generally speaking, as the years go by, sex needs a little something to add variety. Do the young, vibrant and gorgeous need to bring out the handcuffs and edible body paint, the blindfold and the playful whip… the (dare I say it?)… rampant rabbit? Or are their hormones so highly charged, they can sizzle and burn, without the need for a single accoutrement? I am aware that the young gag at the hideous idea of ‘old people’ sex ( old people probably being anyone over 40, and always, always their parents, regardless of age), and I suspect that they believe that they have a God given right to sexual superiority (because we are young)… but do they?

I often wonder, when watching something like Jeremy Kyle, what quality of sex these people are actually having, with their partner’s mother/father/sister/brother/best friend/ex. They seem to be having a lot of it, but I struggle to picture satin sheets, rose petals and seductive music… somehow, it is easier to imagine clumsy, grubby, quick humping, which, believe me, is an image I do my best to get out of my head, as quickly as possible. To quote a woman I used to work with: “I’d rather have a pork chop”.

I think that maybe our sex life changes as we get older (and the more of it we have), but that everyone, regardless of age, sometimes just desires what is commonly called a ‘quickie’. As for sex in later years, I once read that people who have regular nookie are happier and healthier than those who don’t, but it also seems that the longer we go without it, the less desire we have for it… and so, from that point of view, anything that can stoke the old fire just has to be a positive! And actually, I believe that both young and old secretly believe that they have this sex thing sussed (the young because they are young, the old because they have experience)… and that both like to dip into that naughty toy and dressing up box, every now and then… without admitting it to each other!

The Ballad Of Barry And Freda… always makes me chuckle! Miss you, Victoria.

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